Edgar at the Select Committee.

[faxpunk]

 Guardiansverse anon wrote a wonderful crossover story about Festus Detrich and Edgar Forqand meeting because they are the WORST with one another. It can be found here.

It got me thinking how Edgar would definitely get in trouble politically for such nonsense and I wrote this to add to political worldbuilding. Also writing Edgar lie his way out of shit is just very entertaining. And I daresay he's quite good at it.

The Official Report

INTELLIGENCE AND SECURITY SELECT COMMITTEE HEARING 

ORAL EVIDENCE 

JANUARY 3RD

Members present: Jowd McFaid, Melissa Leem, Frank Allgood, Lisette Grinnell, David Camby, Edwig Sharma

Witness: Mr Edgar Forqand, High Chancellor 

Mr Forqand 

My name for the record is Mr Edgar Forqand, the High Chancellor. Good afternoon, members of the prestigious and very important intelligence select committee. I'm terribly happy to give a testimony on a simple gathering of close and personal friends, which the press has kicked up an awful fuss about, completely without merit.

Mr McFaid (Socialist, Chair of the Intelligence Select Committee)

Today we will hear evidence on the case of an unusual pair of foreign diplomats being hosted overnight at the official residence of the High Chancellor. On previous occasions we have heard evidence from the manager of Fralm Street residences as well as the high chancellor's own security council, who have provided us with important details on the matter.

Here are the facts as we know them: two foreign individuals arrived in Fralm Street Ten on a Friday evening two weeks ago and stayed overnight. They left in the morning of the following day. During the evening they were wined and dined by the High Chancellor. The security council of the high chancellor's office was not informed of these events, before or after they occurred. He found out when the reports emerged in the yellow press. 

The expenses for this visit were paid for by the High Chancellor Mr Forqand himself, and today we will hear from him about the precise events of this evening.

Mr High Chancellor, welcome.

Mr Forqand 

Ah, Jowd, how lovely it is to see you again. You'll give my grace to your wife, won't you? One never forgets a face as lovely as hers. Or yours, for that matter.

Mr McFaid

High Chancellor, could you tell us when and why you extended the invite to these foreign diplomats?

Mr Forqand 

It's quite simple. I did it for the benefit of England. You see, there are places that are not quite as fortunate as us in terms of technology or progress or manners, even. Places where people go hungry. I simply invited two noble gentlemen from such a place to gaze upon English superiority. To show them what they could learn from us.

Mrs Leem (Whig, Co-chair)

When you said English superiority you motioned to your own self, Mr High Chancellor. 

Mr Forqand 

Why, just a little joke, Melissa. You whigs are surely known for your senses of humour?

Mr McFaid 

Could you tell the select committee everything you know about these two gentlemen?

Mr Forqand 

Well, there is General Ander Kirschen. Don't ask me how it's spelled, it's styled like the Allemanian language although the man had none of the Allemanian rigour as far as I saw. A wet blanket of a man. A docile being like a fat rat, and about as attractive, too. He is apparently a decorated war hero in this land they call home.

Then there is Festus Detrich. He too has a title, albeit one too ludicrous to even say out loud. He's a sort of self-styled hero of the people. Like the type they write folk songs about. Very tall, handsome I suppose. Personality not much to speak of, I'm afraid, I might even call it beastly. Low class and poor manners. Violent, I'd imagine, if one was to ruffle his feathers enough. Not that I ever would, but a man can indulge in a fantasy, can't he?

We dined on some of the finest foods known to man, paid out of pocket by yours truly. I would never ask the tax payer to pay for my indulgences. We didn't get to enjoy the caviar I ordered, sadly. Some tastes were too refined for my company. 

Mr McFaid

High Chancellor, if you could stay on topic. We know this meeting was not discussed beforehand with your security staff. What kind of considerations did you make as to what information or classified documents these men might have access to in the official residence?

Mr Forqand 

Everything is always under lock and key, naturally. We don't keep anything political on the private side of the residence. In fact, my husband insists on it. I do all my work in the separate official wing with my office and the cabinet meeting rooms. You can ask my private secretary Gwendolyn Grame about that.

Mr McFaid 

Why did the two diplomats stay overnight?

Mr Forqand 

They had made such a long journey, naturally I couldn't kick them to the street after plying them with whisky. I'd made a proposal to one of the gentlemen and wanted to see if he would take me up for it.

Mrs Leem

What proposal was that, High Chancellor?

Mr Forqand 

Oh, Melissa, a gentleman never tells on his private affairs. Speaking of such, how is your husband these days?

Mr McFaid 

Mr High Chancellor, I implore you to stay on topic. Mrs Leem asked a very pertinent question. What types of matters were discussed that night?

Mr Forqand 

I told you already, Jowd. Just simple matters, explaining our technologies and our grand tastes in food imports. I fed them fine cheeses and chocolate. They walked away quite impressed with the prowess of his majesty's England. 

Mrs Leem

And where were these diplomats from?

Mr Forqand 

Oh, I don't know.

Mr McFaid 

You don't..know?

Mr Forqand 

Must one know everything about one's friends?

Mrs Leem

Mr Forqand. Edgar, if I may. You do not seem to grasp the grave danger you have put yourself or our great nation in. A foreign diplomat from an unknown nation with no security vetting, dining with the High Chancellor in the private quarters is highly unusual and frankly a dream for any spy or assassin. When the pictures emerged in the press, I thought you were just having a carouse like the old days– don't protest, I've known you for longer than two decades, and so has my husband. 

Mr Forqand 

Him a lot closer than you.

Mrs Leem

Regardless, you have put yourself in grave danger. Without extensively vetting the individuals you let into your private quarters, there is no virtually no guarantee to your safety or the future of this nation, insofar as we want our leader to stay alive. This country hasn't had an assassination for about seventy years and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

Do you acknowledge that what I'm saying is true?

Mr Forqand 

Of course, Melissa. 

Mr McFaid 

Mr High Chancellor. Where are these diplomats you hosted from? You must have some idea.

Mr Forqand 

Belge. 

Mr McFaid 

You say it with confidence now.

Mr Forqand 

Well, it just came to me. Their native tongue sounded like Flemish to me.

Mrs Leem

How sure are you?

Mr Forqand 

Oh, absolutely certain. As certain as I am that the two could not hurt a fly if they wanted to. These creatures were the gentlest you'd ever see walk this green earth. These men would be useless with any kind of weaponry and they could barely shake a man's hand with conviction. The idea I was in any sort of danger is simply laughable. 

Mr Leem 

Could you tell us what you know about their positions in their home country?

Mr Forqand 

I think the general is some sort of busy body and my dear friend Festus probably does nothing but fiddle his thumbs all day long. They had that war and now it's peacetime, you know how that is.

Mr McFaid 

You mean the continental war fifty years ago? How are they still alive if they fought in that one?

Mr Forqand 

Not that one. Another one. Aren't you up on your Belgian history, Jowd?

Mr McFaid 

I suppose I am not. You described Mr Detrich as violent earlier and now you claim he is docile, how do you answer for that contradiction?

Mr Forqand 

I daresay I had a rather stultifying effect on him. He was quite taken with me, almost to a degree of embarrassment. I don't mean to have that effect on men, but alas, such is my burden.

Mr McFaid 

The great tragedy of our times, High Chancellor.

Mr Forqand 

Could the record be amended that you rolled your eyes at me, Jowd? 

Mr McFaid 

You just added it to the record, as you well know, Edgar. 

Mr Forqand 

Now I'm Edgar, am I?

Mrs Leem 

Stop flirting. Do the other members of the committee have any questions?

Mr Allgood (Tory, Member of the select committee)

He is an eel who will simply slither out of it as usual.

Mr Forqand 

I'm very hurt, Mr Allgood, is it? Jowd, is that previous statement by Mr Allgood up to the parliamentary language standards?

Mr McFaid 

It is not. Frank, if you could. 

Mr Allgood 

I'm not [expletive] taking it back.

Mr Forqand 

My! What language we have here today. I daresay even my peasant guests were more couth than this. 

Mr McFaid 

Edgar, please. Frank, the comment will stay on the record if you don't retract it. Do you want to answer the voters about that?

Mr Forqand 

That would mean the Tories have voters.

Mrs Leem 

Edgar. The committee does not summon witnesses to make comments of a  political nature. I know we are entering election season but that was highly uncalled for.

Mr Forqand 

I deeply apologise for the disgusting remark.

Mr McFaid 

I am ready to call a close to this session. The committee will still request a written statement from the private secretary of the High Chancellor and another from the embassy of Belge. 

Mr Forqand 

Oh, come on, man. Surely that's not necessary. 

Mr McFaid 

Why would it not be necessary? We need to confirm their identities. 

Mr Forqand 

Their identities have been confirmed. By yours truly. Besides, these men were unofficial diplomats. They aren't on their government's radar. You see, Belge has a rather direct form of democracy.

Mrs Grinnell (Liberal, Member of the committee)

What on earth does that mean?

Mr Forqand 

I'd rather not divulge the secrets of an allied nation. It's a strange type of alchemy. And anyway, revealing their identities would put the nation of Belge at risk. 

Mrs Grinnell 

So they are spies?

Mr Forqand 

I cannot confirm nor deny. 

Mr McFaid 

Right. We will discuss the matter in private, Mr High Chancellor. 

The session has ended at 3.23 pm.