Edgar Forqand High Chancellor's Questions

[faxpunk]

 

Just me flexing on the fact I used to read Hansard a lot. A lot, a lot.  Originally posted here. 

Mrs. Preen Bowers
(Okehampton, Lib.)

Will the High Chancellor list his engagements for Wednesday December 1st.

The High Chancellor
(Mr. Edgar Forqand)

With great pleasure. Today I had meetings with ministerial and secretarial colleagues. In addition to my duties in this house, I shall have further such meetings today, but I must be home for supper.

Mrs. Bowers

Will the High Chancellor join me in congratulating the brave and entrepreneurial year three pupils at my constituency’s Okebriff School, who fashioned a step-ladder out of branches of an old oak tree, in order to help a dear old cat named Francine down from the school building’s eave? Would he agree that the country lacked precisely this kind of spirit under the previous Whig government?

The High Chancellor

I concur with my hon. Friend that what these gifted pupils possess is precisely what the hon. Members on the other side of the house lack: courage, ingenuity and an ability to get things done.

[Hon. Members: “Hear, hear!"]

[Member for Windsrodd: "Witless Whigs!"]

Mrs. Speaker

Order! The hon. Gentleman will refrain from commenting. If he wishes to add anything to the record, he may do so by asking a question. Mr. Fruml.

Mr. Frank Fruml
(Thirsk, Whig.)

Thank you, Mrs. Speaker. May I join the High Chancellor in thanking the inventive children of Okebriff for helping down the old cat from the eave. Perhaps they may one day help the High Chancellor off his high horse, though I doubt there is enough oak in England to build a step ladder tall enough for such a feat.

Mrs Speaker, it is time that we hear something from this cabinet other than excuses and deflections. I have written to the High Chancellor in hopes of getting answers regarding the tariff raises for next year. People up and down the country need to know whether food prices grow faster than the wheat fields themselves. For them, this government hasn’t got any answers.

Could I ask the High Chancellor when his First Chancellor intends to come to this house and explain his policy on the tariff change? Could I also ask him if the High Chancellor speaks to his First Chancellor on a regular basis, or whether the press is right, that the only communication line between them is a fortnightly dinner where only their spouses make small-talk?

[Laughter.]

Moving on, Mrs. Speaker, we come to the matter of the Technology Bill. In my party there is such a thing as principle. The Whig party always supported Mr. Halm’s proposal to halt development and thus it was a great shock to us that so soon after speaking out against the former High Chancellor’s bill of the same nature, the current High Chancellor intends to ram through the house his own version in a matter of weeks.

I implore the High Chancellor to reconsider this hasty strategy. I ask him to roleplay for a moment as the man who stood in this house just last year, and asked Members on both sides of the aisle to vote against the bill by the former Member for Terrengay (Mr Gregory Tamfer). That man was shockingly the current High Chancellor himself. Does he even remember this act he subjected us to last year?

The people of England are wondering, which version stands before us today. The man who opposed technological development last year, or the man who wants it as fast as humanly possible, without due parliamentary process. The people of England are tired of the High Chancellor, who wears as many masks in front of this house as he does on his free time.

[Hon. Members: “Hear, hear!”]

[Commotion]

Mrs. Speaker

Order! Order! I will have order in this house. I ask for decorum. Even from you, Mr. Wregony. The High Chancellor.

The High Chancellor

Mrs. Speaker, the right hon. Gentleman does himself no favours by opening his mouth.

[Laughter, jeering.]

As a matter of principle, I won’t dwell on the appalling approval ratings of his party, or himself. I don’t want to embarrass him here, I want to help him. Perhaps he needs to take a sprinkling of the gutsiness of the aforementioned pupils and actually allow somebody else to lead his party. We all know you can lead a Whig to water but he’ll still be thirsty. If you let a Whig lead a country, we’ll all be thirsty.

[Member for Windsrodd: “Drunkard Fruml!”]

Mr. Grant Boscawen
(Wootton, Tory)

A point of order, Mrs. Speaker. Is the term Member for Windsrodd just used parliamentary language? I don’t believe I have found such a term in my guide for parliamentary decorum. And on a further point of order, could the High Chancellor explain if he agrees with the use of such language, as he appears to be laughing right now?

Mrs. Speaker

The Member for Windsrodd will retract his use of unparliamentary language. He always does, as he knows what happens if he does not. I cannot however speak for the High Chancellor, nor analyse his level of amusement. That is not a point of order, but a point of opinion.

Mr. Dafydd Carreg
(Windsrodd, Lib.)

I retract my use of that disgusting word, Mrs. Speaker. I do not wish to be whipped.

The High Chancellor

Thank you Mrs. Speaker for holding my hon. Friend under you boot, which I happen to know he may secretly enjoy.

Mrs. Speaker, the right hon. Gentleman speaks of the tariff changes, which my right hon. Friend, the First Chancellor, has already explained at length at the debate last week. He alludes to my relationship with the First Chancellor. We are as intimate with one another as two men are allowed to be with their clothes on.

[Jeering.]

As for technology, as ever the members on the opposite side lack an understanding of nuance. The bill last year was dangerous, ill-considered and based on nothing but rumours and insinuations. The bill which we have introduced to the house and which I hope all members of the house will join me in voting for is based on recommendations by industry leaders, top scientists and doctors. The very people who have the use for these intelligent machines. The bill is virtually without risk. It introduces development in such a way that it is done systematically and under careful government surveillance.

My right hon. and hon. Friends want to make England the foremost country in this regard, but do so safely, in a very deliberate and considered fashion. If the right hon. Gentleman wishes to stand on the opposite side of history, I welcome him to do so. I can assure him that the people of this country do not want that, and neither do they want him.

Mr. Johannes Green
(Saltashy, Lib.)

Mrs Speaker, could I interest the High Chancellor in the excellent work his cabinet is doing at curtailing foreign espionage. We knew this to be a problem and finally someone is taking robust, needed action. The new Espionage Bill in its amendments makes for a thrilling bedtime read. It is simply the most devastatingly brilliant piece of legislation, which I have personally come across in my thirty odd years as a member of this house. Does the High Chancellor agree with me that foreign spies are a continued problem in this country and this bill does an excellent job of addressing the problem?

The High Chancellor

I thank my hon. Friend for his contribution to the bill and look forward to him putting the case to the other side of the aisle, where members seem to think that we ought to welcome foreign spies, not be rid of them. The view shared by my predecessor, if I may tattle for a moment. The new bill is indeed a work of art, and it addresses two main issues – the fact our extradition agreements are too stringent when it comes to catching spies on our own soil, and the fact our own sentencing of spies is lax. The bill fixes both problems.

Lord Vera Mawes
(Cottoff, Tory)

I implore the High Chancellor to consider the impact the rumours about his illicit behaviour have on the children up and down this country. Would he agree with me that it is time to end debauchery in all its forms and return to the days of purity and decency?

The High Chancellor

First I must congratulate the member for Cottoff for her new title. My sister is the only other female Earl in this land and it pleases me that there is now another. The title has burdened us ugly men for far too long. Now may it sully the shoulders of the fairer sex as well.

As for her question, Mrs. Speaker, I am myself a veritable saint and always have been, so I'm not quite sure what the right hon. Lady is even talking about. I would put forth that if the children of this country regularly read gossip rags then we’ve got bigger issues than my alleged and never once proven past behaviour. Journalists in this country write better fiction than the novelists do, aside from my close personal friend and author, Mr Antoine Lertre.

[Commotion]

[Member for Cottoff: “The pornographer!”]

Mrs. Speaker

Order! The last question for this session. Sir Ramsden.

Sir Alwyn Ramsden
(Dwyrain, Whig)

Mrs. Speaker, could I confirm with the High Chancellor that his clock runs on the same time as mine does? It was on November 12th that I wrote to him and his Minister of Technology about the new technological development bill. I received a reply from his secretary on November 20th stating that the High Chancellor was unavailable. The Minister of Technology replied to me on November 26th stating that he was also unavailable, but would be present for the debates about the bill in the coming weeks.

Would the High Chancellor not agree that these are deplorable answering windows for such an urgent matter? Last year he told this house he was unavailable due to his wedding taking place during one week of debates on the Ten Hours Act. Has he remarried and is therefore unavailable again? Was the minister too drunk at his second wedding to reply to me in a timely fashion?

[Laughter.]

This leaves us only two weeks before the parliamentary solstice break begins and the bill is therefore not given sufficient time to be discussed, debated and amended. Isn’t this just another way for the arrogant and egotistical High Chancellor to get his way?

The High Chancellor

Mrs. Speaker, you know I can take a verbal beating from the right hon. Gentleman and this won’t be the last time. After all, if he calls me arrogant, imagine what he calls himself when he gazes at his reflection on the leader of the opposition’s bald head.

[Laughter.]

[Member for Thirsk: “It’s not shiny!”]

[Member for Windsrodd: “As shiny as the Whigs are unpopular!”]

[Commotion, jeering on both sides of the house.]

My clock runs on the same time as the right hon. Gentleman’s clock. I have been rather busy with other matters, but I can assure the house that I have not remarried. I remain happily married. As it happens, my husband’s family hails from his constituency.

[Member for Dwyrain: “They didn’t vote for me!”]

They didn’t vote for me, either! Such are the peculiar ways of the pobl mynydd, the mountainfolk. Stubborn, but let them. I know a thing or two about persuasion.

[Member for Dwyrain: "Socialists!"]

That, too. Yet the right hon. Gentleman sits here and not at home sipping sherry so he must be doing something right. Or maybe the socialists are simply too sleepy to turn up to the polls.

[Commotion.]

I adore all members of the public, socialist or mountainous or otherwise. After all, if it wasn’t for the great people of this nation, who would keep us fools running it in line?

Miss Fiona Goderich
(Chaftesbury, Socialist)

On a point of order, Mrs. Speaker, would you give guidance on what me and my hon. Friends in the Socialist party may do to protect ourselves from the adoration of the High Chancellor? I don't have all the necessary inoculations.

Mrs. Speaker

That is not a point of order, as the astute member very well knows. I'm not sure what that is.

No, I do not care to hear from the High Chancellor on this matter. He may wink at me all he likes. We all know his adoration flows freely but the house has other things to discuss. So we move on now.


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Author's Note:

Daffyd Carreg is inspired by many a heckler in parliament. The D/s implications of his relationship with Mrs Speaker aren't inspired by anything at all.

The story contains little hints about future faxpunk stories. 

I actually didn't think through political worldbuilding for the Edgar/Barnaby story much at all so this allowed me to FINALLY actually think about it, at least a little bit. This just shows that I think about all worldbuilding decisions for about 2 seconds and then just go with it! But yes, Edgar is Liberal, and in this universe the Whigs and the Liberals never became one party, and Tories remained a fairly small influence and haven't rebranded as Conservatives in the modern era. Socialists are a thing, because of course. More parties probably would in actuality mean more coalition governments and a very different sort of political landscape but right now, in the time this story takes place (which is about 1.5 years after Edgar becomes HC) I choose to believe the Liberals are on a huge upswing of popularity and thus control the House of Commons completely.